Why?

No matter how much I prep in advance, I still manage to be up all night before an international departure... 

Come What May, Come

I have a musical crush on Andrew Bird, it's been in the works for a few years now. His use of lyrics more as instruments for their sounds than words to communicate meaning, strikes a chord in me. Sans google, I was convinced (am deciding I still want to be) that 'Masterswarm' was a song about Lariam.

Last night I had one of my first Lariam dreams, of what I am sure are many to come. From hereon they will be referred to as 'Meflo-mares'. Among the common side-effects of Mefloquine, a weekly anti-malarial, are vivid and often disturbing dreams.

When I worked at the frantically busy Old Spaghetti Factory in downtown San Diego, the waitstaff commonly called our dreams of forgetting to bring drinks, lasagna chasing us in the kitchen and perpetually unsatisfied customers demanding what we just could not provide, 'Spag-mares'. While simultaneously working for World Vision and shamelessly nursing an addition to the Lost series, I sustained dreams of disease, famine, and forced violence all against the backdrop of a nonsensical jungle.

The tricky thing is, often my dreams pick up right where sleep left me. Rarely can I tell the difference between realities while I am dreaming. This often makes for some confused first moments of consciousness each morning -
Wait, I'm not pregnant?
Oh, I am still in Switzerland?
Yes, my teeth haven't fallen out?
Bummer, that project isn't over yet?
Ah, Peter Pan and I aren't really that good of friends?
Sweet, I'm not at work with no pants on?

Last night, I was driving and a man came to my window while at a stop-light in Ramona, near Packard's. He had two of my mom's old kitchen knives and was leaning towards me with a big chipped tooth smile. Lucky for me, I recognized the knifes and knew they couldn't even cut through a tomato skin. Unafraid and like the ninja I aspire to be, I avoided the knives and smacked his grinning face with my fist, hard.

Waking up to the sound of your knuckles cracking against your bedroom wall isn't highly recommended.
Personally, I prefer waking to soft floating melodies, such as those that indicate dreams in sitcoms.

And by the way, illustrations of radiolarian in Haeckel's 'Kunstforment der Natur' are strikingly beautiful.

Day in the Life

My Mother’s House - Ramona

Wake up; look around at the enormous amounts of things that need to be done. Make rice based hot cereal and red tea. Watch the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Make some lists and leave the house. Today I am glad for the professional umbrella maneuvering skills learned on the people saturated, typhoon drenched and narrow streets of Hong Kong.

A Starbucks - Point Loma

Don’t order anything but a glass of water when a tickle in my throat disallows any further conversation while meeting with the missions leader at a major church in the area. For the first time I am not nervous about the future of a large church’s international missions agenda. The seeds of many prayers planted years ago are beginning to bud and I am expectant, thinking of what the fruit will bring in from the harvest.

Doctor’s Waiting Room - El Cajon

I am waiting to see my doctor so she can approve me fit to work ‘in a crisis situation, such as war, famine or epidemic, in order to bring relief assistance’ because ‘the candidate will be living and working abroad in situations which may often be physically and emotionally stressful […] in remote areas, often in tropical heat and humidity with reduced access to medical facilities’.
A tetanus shot from the nurse and hug from my doctor later, I am one step closer.

Claire de Lune - North Park

Hat, jacket, scarf, boots and green tea keeping me cozy against the wind and the rain. No internet here, so I can focus on reading I told myself I would have done by now – and yet I blog. There's a guy running across the street with very white shoes on. Surprisingly mainstream music blaring just over the constant chatter of excruciatingly hip hipsters. Andrea is on her way. I wish my friends came in travel size. Pockets of the planet have claimed fractions of my heart’s capacity for missing people and I wonder how much more I can take. A creepy man who has been outside staring in the window for the past 15 minutes has just come in and dramatically shivered – now he stands at the same window, looking out.

Andrea is here. I am happy.

House Church - Clairemont

Tonight is an evening with some of the rocks in my life. The type of people you can call for anything – surfing, prayer, house-sitting, dinner, drinks, jam sessions – who have seen me through some of the very best and very worst seasons of life over the past five years or so. Only two more Wednesday nights with them, which makes me sad. However, I know they go with me in spirit and prayer and in that I take a deep comfort. 

A Mountainous Soul

This weekend, Catherine and Tyler and I popped up to Cuyamaca for a quickie of a backpacking trip. We didn't even cover 10 miles. However, at every turn, hill, manzanita, falling star, small herd of deer and branch in the face, I was reminded of my childhood in Julian.

First light Saturday morning, the particular chorus of birds hopping back and forth between oaks, pines, cedars and charcoaled trees suddenly flung me back 20 years to open windows and Vulcan Mountain standing between my bedroom and the desert below...

Playing in any of the four makeshift tree forts in my yard
Running in a field with my dog, Gunner
Training Gunner to fetch wood from the pile in the winter
Squealing as he returned, one day, with a squirrel instead
Laying in the sun on the roof with my cat, Jenny
Growing a garden on my roof beside my open skylights
I always yearned for the urban life of Sesame Street
Swinging on tire swings, hammock, rope swings, zip line
Mary Brown fell nearly 20 feet when the zip line snapped
'Hunting for deer', driving around to find them at dusk
Fearing 'druggies' and mountain lions
Finding shelter in trees and freedom in open fields
Going on field trips to gold mines and grave yards
Knowing the difference between stellar and scrub jays
Feeding the pigeon population my dad introduced to Julian
Jumping on the neighbors' trampoline until mom called us in
Going to sleep at 7 to the sound of the neighbors jumping
Buying eggs at a roadside stall instead of a normal store
Regularly driving 30 minutes or an hour for groceries
Regularly getting carsick every time we drove down the hill
Loving staring at clouds, stars, bugs, birds, fire, wind
Feeding raccoons through a hole in our kitchen floor
Growing up with the same 60 kids all through grade school
Getting the local discount and jump in line at Mom's Pies
Playing with the other teachers' kids on empty playgrounds
My dog regularly escaping the yard to come find me at school
Casually and constantly referring to Autumn crowds as 'tourons'
Knowing what to do when you see a rattle snake
Water-slide parties on the Fourth of July and in the snow
Running outside barefoot in PJs to thank the snow for a snow day 
Happily dirty and disheveled by the end every day


I cried the first time I drove through my beloved mountains after the wildfires stole my forests. The idea that my children won't know them like I did is disheartening. However, there are many things that my children will not know the way I do. That is true for each generation throughout history.
I am at peace with that.

So incredible to look back and see how growing up with a love for the outdoors has prepared me for the work I am in now. Learning yesterday that I have been assigned to a location with no internet or running water didn't phase my decision to go for a moment. There are many things we have and do not need. I am interested to see just how far I can take that philosophy and live it out.

My stroll on memory mountain was exactly what my soul needed. How lucky to know what feeds your soul.