Confidence

It’s not really that God has confidence in me, but that He has confidence in Him in me. I have spent restless night fearing this week when my training for my new job is over and I am on my own with a huge tent exhibit filled with all sorts of tricks and quirks and details and dozens of volunteers looking to me for instruction filling up 12-hour days on my feet. But you know what? God is rad. As the days here at Cal Poly SLO have progressed, I occasionally find myself realizing that I am doing this, and things are running more smoothly than I could have even hoped for. God is faithful and knew that even if I couldn’t do it, He could hook me up with the strength and knowledge to do it.

What a blessing it has been to watch people’s lives changed through this work, both here and abroad. I realized the other day that if I were in Africa helping these kids in a hands on fashion I would not have the opportunity to change the world views of the people here in the states. Moreover, I am enabling grassroots development instead of possibly inhibiting it by being in the way of community development projects and the locals implementing their own solutions to issues that they know better than I.

I have sat with college students and talked about the importance of grassroots development if it is to be sustainable, I have talked with them about how they can use their gifts and degrees to change the world and gotten into deep conversations about hearing the voice of God and moving in the prophetic both here and abroad. How humbling is it that God has given me this venue to share my heart and His heart for His children? I am very aware of the enormous blessing this is, and those who have been given much have been given much responsibility.

Smoke Gets In Your Eyes

I’ve had a hard time categorizing reasons for my eyes’ redness and stinging dryness over the past four days. Could it be the 5% humidity and Santa Ana winds? Maybe that my eyes rarely have left the glare of 24-hour news coverage or the Internet’s updates that didn’t seem to come fast enough? Perhaps it is that I am holding back tears for fear of falling into a pattern of thinking that leaves me listlessly gazing at the end of the world that might not be that far off? Or could it just be that the ashes and thick smoke that meet me everywhere I go are not even offset by air-conditioned coffee shops at the coast?

Or, D. All of the above.

After an evacuation, several restless nights and days of naps and moving things from house to house… all houses, family members and such are accounted for on the Brandt front. I have received emails from Iraq to Jordan to Hong Kong asking how we are doing here. Thanks for your prayers and concern, they were heard.

We are not in the clear yet, but I don’t feel the need to wear a mask today and things seem to be relatively calm here in San Diego. Relative, that is, to the past few days.

Northern Clarity

My right side is slightly more chilled than my left and my chai is gone. Out the window I can see an old white bridge with pine tree graffiti that supports several long trains an hour. The trains bear names and claims to lands such as China and Canada and Santa Fe because Spokane has little to sustain itself on other than fresh water fish, apples and depressed artisans. I like it, there is a bike chained to an expired parking meter and punk high school kids jam out to jazz music while I sit here and process the most recent transitions of seasons in my life.

I have been resting, recuperating from a long and trying season on the battlefield. I have felt it, these past months, that I am being prepared to enter the battle again. I have felt the looming shift in the air and wondered from which direction it was coming, and what direction it would carry me. So, I quit my job.

One night I was talking to God and I reminded Him that He had put these passions in me, given me this education, placed me where I am and surrounded by the amazing people He has put into my life... Therefore, He had to do something else with me; I was done waiting tables and making lattes. I quit.

Last Monday I sent in my resume for the only job with World Vision in San Diego. Monday night I got an email, Wednesday I interviewed, Friday I got the call and the job, and Saturday I started. Saturday morning I found myself behind the wheel of a 26 foot truck, transporting a huge tent exhibit to Orange County and spending 12 straight hours on my feet learning what is going to be my job for at least the next three months... just like that.

Just like that I have my entry-level dream job.

Being in Spokane has given me opportunity to relax and recollect myself. I haven't had a day off in a few weeks due to shortages of staff at the Seaside Cantina and having my last day there immediately preceding my first day with World Vision.

All good things, but all so tiring on my body, spirit and emotions.

The air is good for me up here. It is not cleaned by sea breeze, but by trees. Also, being with Laurel again is just what my soul needed. God's timing is wonderful. I just want to be continuously in His will, stepping with His stride.

Drawing Parallels in Proportions

Wednesday's house church was discussion based around the idea of asking from the Lord and receiving. Biblically we should be seeing results that in reality, often we are not. I find myself dwelling a lot on this thought especially in light of what went on in India while I was there. We walked those streets the same way Jesus would have, He was our group as we were Him. The result was miracles that rival anything found in the book of Acts (I'm convinced the only reason we didn't see the dead raised is because we didn't run into any dead people). I feel like I am not presenting this clearly... let me find the things the Lord had me write down that night.

James 1:6 - But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind.

Displacement Theory Revised:

While in a foreign land, feelings of insecurity, unknown, discomfort and such are common and commonly expected to be so. You are in a strange land, often without even a common tongue to tie you to those around you. This makes for an environment conducive to some heavy co-dependences. Clearly the only healthy form of such would be a full dependence on the Lord. This was the situation I find myself in often, my time in India was such. For instance, when I prayed for a woman and she began to slither on the ground in a manner defiantly not of human origin. I was up against a strong spirit of suicide that had gripped her for years and I had nothing to fight with but the few hints of direction I was getting from the Lord. Due to my complete lack of the slightest idea of what to do, I just took what little I was getting from God and clung to it then ran with it. God directed my prayers... now she is free and full of life. I could tell stories and give examples of being completely clueless and finding God in it... well, finding God as the only way out of it as well!

1 Corinthians 2:2 - For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified.

So, while the team and I were ministering in India last year, we were pretty much clueless save for the fact that God speaks and what He speaks is truth and light that breaks into whatever battle is at hand. We spent everyday conscious of our direct dealings with the spiritual realm as much as we did the physical and there were points where the two were hardly distinguishable.

Ephesians 6:12 - For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.

In a sense we were displaced from our everyday lives, strangers in a strange land, completely dependant on God. So, what I am wondering is why I should not feel like that here, as I finish putting these thoughts together (over a month since I began them) sitting in an over-air-conditioned Starbucks with Trav writing on Luke at the table next to me. Am I not just as much a stranger in this land? I feel it here more and more. The deeper understanding I have of how God sees me, who He has made me and what He has made me for, the deeper parts of me understand that I am just passing through.

Psalm 84:5,7 - Blessed is the man whose strength is in You, whose heart is set on pilgrimage. They go from strength to strength; each one appears before God in Zion.

There are no borders from God's perspective and regardless of my physical location, I am just as much a stranger whilst just as much at home in Christ. This is where my solace lies, if Christ has made His home within me, then I am at home where ever my feet may roam. It is in this promise that I find peace in the direction that God has given me for the next season of my life. I am staying in San Diego. Each fleece I laid out and each variable at hand has shifted away from Hong Kong and though this makes my heart sad, it is a peaceful sorrow that simply longs to labor alongside the people in Hong Kong that helped shape my life and drew me closer into God's will for me. The peace that I have about staying on here in San Diego does surpass my understanding of what my plans were and the vision I had for the next few years of my life.

Proverbs 20:24,25 - A man's steps are directed by the LORD. How then can anyone understand his own way? It is a trap for a man to dedicate something rashly and only later to consider his vows.

It can be such a Christianese cop out to claim peace or not peace in a situation, and I understand the ease of which my decision can be written off as something that it is not. However, I have spent months laboring over this decision, and the past few weeks intently seeking God's nod of approval to send the email confirming my desire to go back to Hong Kong (the email that has been sitting in my drafts folder for over three months now). That nod did not come, and that is just fine.

Jeremiah 10:23 - I know, O LORD, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps.

I don't know what will replace these plans I have made, but I gave the Lord permission to direct my steps and that is what He has done. I see no open or closed doors, just a free horizon as far as the eye can see, reminding me how small I am and what an amazing God I have the opportunity to serve. I just pray I can walk it out worthy to what I am called to.

1Peter 2:11,12 - Beloved, I beg you as sojourners and pilgrims, abstain from fleshly lusts which war against the soul, having your conduct honorable among the Gentiles, that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may, by your good works which they observe, glorify God in the day of visitation.

To bring it back around; Lord, I believe... but help my unbelief.

Steam... Not Smoke

I was having a difficult time focusing today, so I went to campus early to review French culture for my French Conversation final and get plenty of hours in for Contemporary Mexican History (for which I was feeling very unprepared). Earlier this week has been real chill, with study breaks finding me at Genie Oil Change and eating Funny's Yogurt pretending its still Tofuti. So I felt real productive with my two days off.

As my eyes began to water to clear out the stinging sensation, I realized as I was exiting Genesee that the terribleness hanging in the air was in fact coming from beneath my hood. I talked my little '92 Paseo into the parking lot, popped the hood and found my engine bathing in coolant. Craked radiator. It was steam, not smoke... I guess that's a bit better. Perhaps its like when they tell you its better to break your ankle than tear the tendons? Both suck.

Dad was awesome enough to just happen to be down by me and I only missed out on like three hours of study time. But you know what? It worked out fine. I chatted away with my French professor about the trials of my day, why everyone assumes Parisians sont mechant, sans chaleur and such. Then in my History class I only had to start guessing after nailing over 60% of the exam, with solid B's on all my other work in there that I really didn't put much effort into I can't fail. I am graduating.

Between pep talks aimed at my car making it over Mount Solidad without overheating I was thinking. I was looking at the pile of stones in my brain with a sign sticking up that reads UCSD.

There's the one that reminds me of when I was ten, on my way to surf La Jolla Shores with my family and telling my mom that's where I was going to college. She replied with what seemed like a challenge at the time, "well, good luck with that".

Another stone brings me back to my room in Clairmont, calling the admissions office and informing them there had been a mistake, "I am supposed to be in your school". I was put on hold and God told me to pray, I was on my face pleading, commanding and claiming into the carpet for what seemed like forever until she picked up... explaining the inexplicable, that all systems said I was in and my multiple forms of communications from UCSD telling me I was rejected must have been a hiccup... "welcome to UCSD".

Or when I wondered if it is cheating when God tells you the answers, or praying with Lou Engle for my campus, or dancing on the snake head with Darla, or realizing I love what I am studying, or understanding the correlation between what lessons my profs were teaching me and those God was teaching me, or passing my classes despite being hit by malaria and a semi truck in the same month...

I could rummage through this pile all night. But I won't cause I have to work at the coffee shop at 5:30am cause that's one of the millions of things you can do with a degree!

I Wish I May, I Wish I Might

Thirteen days until I have a degree in my hands and am legitimate by much of the world's standards... and today I feel like just not doing it anymore. What if I don't turn in this paper that is due in an hour and seven minutes? What if I don't send an apologetic email with it attached and just stop now. That would be silly, yes. However, I am writing this paper on Tina Modotti and Frida Kahlo so I am feeling like everything is silly.

I can do this though. I just have been doing it for so long that the idea of not having to anymore is a bit more daunting than anticipated and I am glad to be waitressing on the boardwalk in Mission Beach instead of starting an internship in a cold place like D.C. or New York. Though every time I get hit on by a sloshed frat kid the thought of skipping town does ring clear in my ear.

Speaking of such nonsense, I am officially announcing that I am planning on skipping town (gasp). Not right away though. I miss my San Diego summers, my studio (converted laundry room) is four blocks from six decent surf breaks, a ten block skate to work and June gloom should be set to leave mid month. I'm waitressing now and will pick up another job when I graduate in two weeks...

... then in October, my dear friend Darla is set to marry her fiance, Vivek. I get to cruise out to India for the reception and will travel a bit to places we didn't get to see last time we were out there. I'll hit up Europe on my way out and Hong Kong on my way back (India's so far away it doesn't matter how you get there). So, providing I keep my living expenses down, I should be ready to go come the end of October. Hopefully Laurel will be joining me and hopefully it will be as rad as it is right now in my brain.

Fifty-eight minutes till my paper is due. That's not going to happen. I guess an apologetic email is in store. Oh well, I at least know I'll pass the class and I get to learn about radical women in the mean time which has always been a joy for me.

Transparency

I can't decide to what extent to streamline my virtual life... with the addition of links on the side there I think that I am pretty far gone already. Now, do I post my Update Archives to fully consolidate the past three years of my life or let you, the reader, figure that out on your own. I just don't know how technologically advanced my particular audience is... I know for a fact that my grandma and grandpa still have a "do not touch" sign on their computer screen. You know what? I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own. It is very clear that you can see old updates, photos and videos to anyone who is looking to look deeper into my projected life.

Yeah, how do you like that? The more virtual I go, the less you really know me. Who knows if this is even me writing? What have I censored out? What have I stolen from cooler people's lives? You will never know... ever.

Unless you are someone who knows me and that's who this whole blog thing is really geared towards anyway. See, I send out the longest emails ever to keep you guys in the loop. What I am thinking now is that you can check my blog whenever if you want to know the whole story. If you are like me and freak out when people send you long emails, you are now free from the terror of my updates! I'll send a short email and slap on a link to this site if you so chose to click on the glorious hyperlink that is delineation at its best.

My Slow (but sure) Integration

I have long avoided all things digital save for the few essentials that have proven to be useful both near and far. Now though, I find I am slowly growing used to the idea that life here in the USofA and increasingly abroad is in fact digital. I am throwing my fears of being found out aside and unabashedly flinging my life into the jungle of the Internet.

I do harbor expectations of streamlined communication and less obtrusive means to update my friends and family of my comings and goings, doing and not doings.I've tried to live a life free of expectations, but emotional roller coasters are just so much fun.

So, here's to a life exposed.