As I approach year 10 of seemingly constant transitional living, I find myself more and more disillusioned with where and what “home” is. However, on the same breath, I can tell you I have come more and more into what I know is and is not “home”.
I go back and forth
between these polarities at least several times a day, no matter where on earth
I am.
On a recent trip home, I felt the sunshine penetrate my every cell, the ocean
filter through my hair and my clothes smelled of my mother’s laundry soap. I found, though, that by week two, I was wanting to be back
to work, and was happy to return back to what has become my newest home - even though it is lacking in comforts I have always associated with home. Apparently my subconscious' definition is malleable.
What I have come to is a state of recognizing
that if I am just a sojourner in this life and my home is in heaven, the only
place my soul will ever feel at rest or content – if home is where the heart is
and my heart is not tied to earth, but drawn to Jesus – then wherever I am on
this planet is just as much not-home as the next place. So, really, as it is all temporary, it does not matter what sense of home I do and do not have. I am free to live and love anywhere, wherever I am called. Some people feel "called" to one place or another, I never have and it has taken me some time to work out how that manifests in my life.
Earlier this year an
Utmost for His Highest entry spoke of Psalm 139 and bent it in a fashion that revealed
a soul longing for what was beyond the hopes of the horizon and for a love that
was more vast than the depths of the seas. We were not made to be content with
the things of this earth.
Even as I write this I feel a struggle within me. One part is saying if I keep looking, one more assignment in one more land then perhaps I
will find it. The other side evokes a near physical lifting sensation in my heat and
gut that reminds me that, no, I will never find it here. It is not here.
My longing and lack of
satisfaction is by design, it seems.
Hebrews 11 13 These all died in faith, not having received the
promises, but having seen them afar off were assured of them, embraced them and
confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth. 14 For those who say such
things declare plainly that they seek a homeland.
Matthew 8 19 Then a teacher of the
law came to him and said, “Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go.” 20 Jesus
replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no
place to lay his head.”
Acts 7:49
“‘Heaven is my throne,
and the earth is my footstool. What kind of house will you
build for me? says the Lord. Or where will my resting place be?
1 comment:
This is a wonderful piece, Courtney. We are blessed in having the ability to ponder the intensity of a complex system of heart, spirit, body, and mind... However perplexing it may be, I couldn't imagine how lost I would feel without the constant examination of 'where I am' in life: in each moment. Love you dearly, sister.
Post a Comment