Repetitious Revelation

I was experiencing M.I.A. blow my mind in a recent concert in at 4th&B in San Diego when it hit me; she can get her message out just as passionately night after night. The same message, the same songs, the same lyrics and the only difference is the audience. This is an audience who really could care less that she has done the same thing over and over in hundreds of cities, if she appears apathetic, inconsistent, irritated, tired, or shows a fickle face towards the message she wants out, she looses her audience in search of something they too can be passionate about.

Then at UCLA I watched Steve Haas, the VP of the organization I work for, talk on HIV/AIDS for the third and fourth time. Same talk, two even back to back. I knew what was coming, I too even know the statistics by heart. By my breaking heart as I try not to cry for the second time as he talks about experiences with dying AIDS victims in Africa. The same message, the same words, different audiences. Each audience looking for something that is real, something to fight for, to fight against.

I got to wondering at my own role in this repetitious rut I have found myself in over the past month. Landing the WV AIDS Tent National Tour in four states, watching thousands of people go through the exhibit and training hundreds of volunteers to catch the vision was amazing. But I found that by the end of a long tour stop (of 4-5 hour long trainings per 10-15 hour day) I was beginning to stumble over my words as though they were some inanimate object beneath my feet and not the powerful truth that this platform I have been allotted compels me to speak.

It is not that I need to be reminded why I do this, I still cry at the drop of a hat at photos and videos I have seen dozens of times over... its more that I sometimes loose sight of the moment. What is it to this new crew of volunteers that I have done this scores of times and their faces tend to blend into one? For each of them this is the first time hearing this information, it is the first time they have stepped out of their comfort zone to begin to fight this global pandemic, it is all they can do with their time since loosing their job, it is extra credit in school, it is an eye opener, it is a challenge, it is a life changing moment. Who am I to taint what the Lord is doing in their lives because I am not feeling up to par? I am no one.

I remember hearing a talk given by Christian worship leader Jason Upton. It was on the joy in finding what you are called to say, and even if it is the same message over and over and over... it is alway just as glorious as the first time, refreshing as the moment the Lord whispered those words directly into your ear. For him it was "God is love. God is love."

Perhaps for me it is "Dance upon injustice. Dance upon injustice."

And God said, "Ha!"

The past five years of my life I have been doing everything in my power to stay out of America, the past three years I have avoided mega-churches and mainstream Christian culture like it will kill my soul instead of saving it... all the time serving God whose got a fiery sense of humor.

Since September I have been traveling all over SoCal with the World Vision AIDS Experience Tent. We have mostly been at college campuses and though exhaustion sometimes gets the best of me, I love it. A year ago, had you told me I was still going to be in the Sates, I would have dreaded the boredom, however, I find myself entangled in more adventures than I've ever signed up for before. Then I get the news about the Spring and Summer tour... all mega-churches and Christian music festivals. Yep, God's snickering as I ponder the ways I will be able to cope.

I am being stretched in ways that I never wanted or expected. It all came full circle this week when my tour brought me to the shiny new campus of The Rock Church in San Diego. I was at that church for six long years waiting for God to let me go somewhere else. I loved the people, but the church had no global perspective and though I was plugged in deep with leadership there, I felt my spirit and vision slowly melting away... but I trudged on, knowing the Lord had me there talking to what seemed like brick walls about global issues, injustice, poverty, and so on and so forth for a reason. I never thought I would see that reason, especially when I left and nobody seemed to notice or care about the seeds I had been sewing all six years I was there. I felt snubbed and unappreciated and just kept reminding myself how grateful I was that that was all I had to deal with there, its not like they crucified me or anything, they just asked me to bridal my passion and get into the box.

So, you can imagine when I got the call that The Rock had booked the Tent, my first reaction was, "do they know it has to do with Africa?"

This week I have the opportunity to do something that I try to never expect, that is, see the fruit of the seeds I have labored to put into fertile ground. How faithful is our Lord? The Rock is starting a partnership with World Vision and the people here are so stoked on the possibilities.

Thus, the Lord is preparing me for the stretches that are sure to come this next season of my emersion into mainstream Christian culture. I always talk about how much I like being uncomfortable and out of my element... welcome to the fruition of God's sense of humor in my life.

Working Public Weirdness

Sometimes I find myself staring at people till they get so uncomfortable they stare back then eventually shift their gaze to something different and less intrusive to their personal space. Take this middle aged guy sitting next to me right now at San Diego Coffee, Tea and Spice on Cass St. The minute he walked in I got a weird feeling and couldn't place for the life of me where I had seen him before. A half dozen coffee shops, restaurants, professors, volunteers and boardwalk regulars went through my head... no, no, no, no, no, yes!

This guy was one of the feared regulars when I worked at the coffee cart at Horton Plaza (maybe 3 years ago). He would always ask for me, always bring up neo-ultra-conservative-psycho views of what he thought would be done in the world (like nuke the Middle East or let Africa die)... somehow he always wanted to talk to me, would come around the counter and put his arm on me and tell me it was nice what I wanted to do but America needed me... he needed me to serve him coffee. I became quite good at ducking into the pantry to rearrange the coffee beans whenever I would see him coming. I now understand the click of survival instinct to hide under my table or behind my laptop when he walked in the door. No recognition, I'm safe.

Working in places where I regularly see hundreds of people in just one setting is strange. I see them surfing, at the grocery store, on the boardwalk and in pubs... always there is the awkward smile exchanged then I rack my brain for hours trying to place them sitting at a table telling me what they want to eat, on the opposite side of the counter reminding me to give them non-fat milk, asking me about Area Development Projects in Zambia, or explaining free-market economy schemes in developing nations from a podium.

Sometimes I wonder if my life is much stranger than the people around me or if we all think that about ourselves.

Confidence

It’s not really that God has confidence in me, but that He has confidence in Him in me. I have spent restless night fearing this week when my training for my new job is over and I am on my own with a huge tent exhibit filled with all sorts of tricks and quirks and details and dozens of volunteers looking to me for instruction filling up 12-hour days on my feet. But you know what? God is rad. As the days here at Cal Poly SLO have progressed, I occasionally find myself realizing that I am doing this, and things are running more smoothly than I could have even hoped for. God is faithful and knew that even if I couldn’t do it, He could hook me up with the strength and knowledge to do it.

What a blessing it has been to watch people’s lives changed through this work, both here and abroad. I realized the other day that if I were in Africa helping these kids in a hands on fashion I would not have the opportunity to change the world views of the people here in the states. Moreover, I am enabling grassroots development instead of possibly inhibiting it by being in the way of community development projects and the locals implementing their own solutions to issues that they know better than I.

I have sat with college students and talked about the importance of grassroots development if it is to be sustainable, I have talked with them about how they can use their gifts and degrees to change the world and gotten into deep conversations about hearing the voice of God and moving in the prophetic both here and abroad. How humbling is it that God has given me this venue to share my heart and His heart for His children? I am very aware of the enormous blessing this is, and those who have been given much have been given much responsibility.

Smoke Gets In Your Eyes

I’ve had a hard time categorizing reasons for my eyes’ redness and stinging dryness over the past four days. Could it be the 5% humidity and Santa Ana winds? Maybe that my eyes rarely have left the glare of 24-hour news coverage or the Internet’s updates that didn’t seem to come fast enough? Perhaps it is that I am holding back tears for fear of falling into a pattern of thinking that leaves me listlessly gazing at the end of the world that might not be that far off? Or could it just be that the ashes and thick smoke that meet me everywhere I go are not even offset by air-conditioned coffee shops at the coast?

Or, D. All of the above.

After an evacuation, several restless nights and days of naps and moving things from house to house… all houses, family members and such are accounted for on the Brandt front. I have received emails from Iraq to Jordan to Hong Kong asking how we are doing here. Thanks for your prayers and concern, they were heard.

We are not in the clear yet, but I don’t feel the need to wear a mask today and things seem to be relatively calm here in San Diego. Relative, that is, to the past few days.

Northern Clarity

My right side is slightly more chilled than my left and my chai is gone. Out the window I can see an old white bridge with pine tree graffiti that supports several long trains an hour. The trains bear names and claims to lands such as China and Canada and Santa Fe because Spokane has little to sustain itself on other than fresh water fish, apples and depressed artisans. I like it, there is a bike chained to an expired parking meter and punk high school kids jam out to jazz music while I sit here and process the most recent transitions of seasons in my life.

I have been resting, recuperating from a long and trying season on the battlefield. I have felt it, these past months, that I am being prepared to enter the battle again. I have felt the looming shift in the air and wondered from which direction it was coming, and what direction it would carry me. So, I quit my job.

One night I was talking to God and I reminded Him that He had put these passions in me, given me this education, placed me where I am and surrounded by the amazing people He has put into my life... Therefore, He had to do something else with me; I was done waiting tables and making lattes. I quit.

Last Monday I sent in my resume for the only job with World Vision in San Diego. Monday night I got an email, Wednesday I interviewed, Friday I got the call and the job, and Saturday I started. Saturday morning I found myself behind the wheel of a 26 foot truck, transporting a huge tent exhibit to Orange County and spending 12 straight hours on my feet learning what is going to be my job for at least the next three months... just like that.

Just like that I have my entry-level dream job.

Being in Spokane has given me opportunity to relax and recollect myself. I haven't had a day off in a few weeks due to shortages of staff at the Seaside Cantina and having my last day there immediately preceding my first day with World Vision.

All good things, but all so tiring on my body, spirit and emotions.

The air is good for me up here. It is not cleaned by sea breeze, but by trees. Also, being with Laurel again is just what my soul needed. God's timing is wonderful. I just want to be continuously in His will, stepping with His stride.

Drawing Parallels in Proportions

Wednesday's house church was discussion based around the idea of asking from the Lord and receiving. Biblically we should be seeing results that in reality, often we are not. I find myself dwelling a lot on this thought especially in light of what went on in India while I was there. We walked those streets the same way Jesus would have, He was our group as we were Him. The result was miracles that rival anything found in the book of Acts (I'm convinced the only reason we didn't see the dead raised is because we didn't run into any dead people). I feel like I am not presenting this clearly... let me find the things the Lord had me write down that night.

James 1:6 - But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind.

Displacement Theory Revised:

While in a foreign land, feelings of insecurity, unknown, discomfort and such are common and commonly expected to be so. You are in a strange land, often without even a common tongue to tie you to those around you. This makes for an environment conducive to some heavy co-dependences. Clearly the only healthy form of such would be a full dependence on the Lord. This was the situation I find myself in often, my time in India was such. For instance, when I prayed for a woman and she began to slither on the ground in a manner defiantly not of human origin. I was up against a strong spirit of suicide that had gripped her for years and I had nothing to fight with but the few hints of direction I was getting from the Lord. Due to my complete lack of the slightest idea of what to do, I just took what little I was getting from God and clung to it then ran with it. God directed my prayers... now she is free and full of life. I could tell stories and give examples of being completely clueless and finding God in it... well, finding God as the only way out of it as well!

1 Corinthians 2:2 - For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified.

So, while the team and I were ministering in India last year, we were pretty much clueless save for the fact that God speaks and what He speaks is truth and light that breaks into whatever battle is at hand. We spent everyday conscious of our direct dealings with the spiritual realm as much as we did the physical and there were points where the two were hardly distinguishable.

Ephesians 6:12 - For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.

In a sense we were displaced from our everyday lives, strangers in a strange land, completely dependant on God. So, what I am wondering is why I should not feel like that here, as I finish putting these thoughts together (over a month since I began them) sitting in an over-air-conditioned Starbucks with Trav writing on Luke at the table next to me. Am I not just as much a stranger in this land? I feel it here more and more. The deeper understanding I have of how God sees me, who He has made me and what He has made me for, the deeper parts of me understand that I am just passing through.

Psalm 84:5,7 - Blessed is the man whose strength is in You, whose heart is set on pilgrimage. They go from strength to strength; each one appears before God in Zion.

There are no borders from God's perspective and regardless of my physical location, I am just as much a stranger whilst just as much at home in Christ. This is where my solace lies, if Christ has made His home within me, then I am at home where ever my feet may roam. It is in this promise that I find peace in the direction that God has given me for the next season of my life. I am staying in San Diego. Each fleece I laid out and each variable at hand has shifted away from Hong Kong and though this makes my heart sad, it is a peaceful sorrow that simply longs to labor alongside the people in Hong Kong that helped shape my life and drew me closer into God's will for me. The peace that I have about staying on here in San Diego does surpass my understanding of what my plans were and the vision I had for the next few years of my life.

Proverbs 20:24,25 - A man's steps are directed by the LORD. How then can anyone understand his own way? It is a trap for a man to dedicate something rashly and only later to consider his vows.

It can be such a Christianese cop out to claim peace or not peace in a situation, and I understand the ease of which my decision can be written off as something that it is not. However, I have spent months laboring over this decision, and the past few weeks intently seeking God's nod of approval to send the email confirming my desire to go back to Hong Kong (the email that has been sitting in my drafts folder for over three months now). That nod did not come, and that is just fine.

Jeremiah 10:23 - I know, O LORD, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps.

I don't know what will replace these plans I have made, but I gave the Lord permission to direct my steps and that is what He has done. I see no open or closed doors, just a free horizon as far as the eye can see, reminding me how small I am and what an amazing God I have the opportunity to serve. I just pray I can walk it out worthy to what I am called to.

1Peter 2:11,12 - Beloved, I beg you as sojourners and pilgrims, abstain from fleshly lusts which war against the soul, having your conduct honorable among the Gentiles, that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may, by your good works which they observe, glorify God in the day of visitation.

To bring it back around; Lord, I believe... but help my unbelief.